From Sex Object to Feminine Sexual Being

I’ve always been highly interested in sex. From a young age I was both physically pretty and curious about sexuality, and society has always treated me as such. I’ve been determined my whole life to find a way to avoid being told it was “wrong”. Whatever it is; hyper-sexualty, psychological issues, sexually acting out,  it is still me. I have needed to find the answer to peacefully being a woman who is both sexual and treated fairly in a world that treats sexual women as animals.

My active interest in sex collides with the way I was raised and almost all women are raised; that sex serves the purpose of male gratification.

When I was a young queer, I went through a rollercoaster of identity issues due to the only standpoint I knew. I learned from an abusive misogynist father and a self-hating absent mother. When I was very young, I thought maybe I was actually a boy. This eventually evolved as I began to embrace my feminine appearance, and even moreso embrace my interest in women sexually. I was always a little boy crazy, but my masculine side and dominant sexuality drove me to be more interested in girls as partners, and often question my gender as well. I found myself to be an awful partner to other girls because I could not combine intimacy and sex. For that reason, however, I was of the utmost desire to males.

As I grew more distant from my father, I became more interested in relationships with men that were inevitably dysfunctional. I knew how to relate to men easily – through sex. Whereas with women, I had to offer some level of emotional vulnerability which was excruciating to me. I was finally escaping my awful and isolated childhood, and felt I was “finding myself.” However, what was really happening was a growing slavery to misogyny. Because I was highly sexual, I was safest with men. I could relate to them. I was always down to fuck and they provided the approval I desperately needed at that point in time.

Essentially I was told what to be. Accommodate male sexuality = gain affection and praise. I took the bait and I lived it, walked in my mother’s footsteps, rejecting anything that was too feminine or emotional.

This was all so much easier than confronting the sexual dysfunction that had been weaved within my development and personality. From day one, I have been trained to think that my body and my sexuality exists for men to take advantage of. My mother was intensely shaming of any sexuality I expressed, or even any emotional needs, while consistently placing herself as an object of sexual attention in social situations. It was highly confusing.

The thought of having my own requirements and guidelines for sex seemed repulsive, frigid, and shameful based on what I had been told. Even as I became older and entered the sex industry as a Dominatrix, I was still operating under the guidelines of extremely demanding submissive men, even though I was gaining some false sense of being in control. It still drained me, left me isolated and used up, and I quit the industry for a bit feeling confused about what was causing my strife.

Of course at that time I had entered a committed relationship with a man whom I’d met as a client. He was there to “save” me. Show me a better life. Really, I had been fine until he showed up and “helped open my eyes” to how the sex industry was harming me. At the tender age of 20, already a struggling single mother, I did not have the wisdom to see the hypocrisy of his patronage of the industry. I left the work to become a housewife, with the sun on my face and newfound purpose.

However, as you may have guessed, it was not the industry that was harming me. It was my slavery to misogyny. My perspective and poor boundaries.

It’s no surprise that my new marriage eventually left me feeling the same. Drained, used, isolated. I left the demanding sex industry behind to fall into a marriage with a man 21 years my senior, who was far more demanding and entitled than the hundreds of men I’d professionally catered to combined. Now that I had left the industry FOR him, I enabled the ideation that I was his property. Regardless of being in an “open” and “swinger” relationship, I was more enslaved than ever. I was now expected to remain as sexually driven as the day he met me, but only for him.

After years of being caged and poked and prodded, some blatant fetishization of my sexual trauma, and serious consent issues, I finally left.

From this point, I decided that perhaps I was going about this all wrong. Maybe I was actually sexully submissive and just denying myself a healthy fetishization of male dominance and instead allowing it to control me passively. I entered back into the sex industry, as well as the local fetish community, and was feeling free and happy and like myself again.

The fetish community is crawling with men ready and waiting with the right words for lusty females who have lost their way. I fell in lust with a “dominant” man who was everything that my previous partner was not. Tall, large, hairy, with suave and charm that overcame his mediocre looks. I threw myself completely into my slavery, and compartmentalized it in a BDSM relationship with this man that I dared trust.

None of these choices I made were inherently wrong. I had the best intentions for myself in mind, except that my awareness had not been fully developed and I was missing a key piece. I intended to embrace my sexuality. However, I was only letting the men around me embrace it on my behalf.

I still would not be able to truly look inward and recognize myself as a woman, with complexities and layers of desire, emotion, and sex. I was told that was unfavorable. It was not what men wanted. Having always been both pretty and openly sexual, I constantly had aggressive masculine forces telling me what my body and sexuality should be. I became addicted to the approval in lieu of real love. I was an object for males, not a female being of my own.

My determination to not stifle my own sexuality almost worked against me. I made myself vulnerable to male sexuality but not my own emotions and desires. I knew none of this was right, I shouldn’t have to hide, but I also shouldn’t have been in such awful situations.

My knight in dommley armor inevitably became extremely abusive. The line between BDSM and abuse faded, and I was too deep in. Six months in and I had my first ever black eye at the hands of a man. I’d experienced abuse, but not quite this type of brute violence. I stayed. I lost all my friends because I stayed. He was the embodiment of my slavery to misogyny that required my complete sacrifice of self. He tapped into all that made me weak, and it was his to toy with. Oddly this is the most sexually driven I’d been with a single partner, I believe because he was so emotionless and rejected me both sexually and emotionally regularly. I was so desperate for the same approval, and so I tolerated being beaten in place of having sex.

I learned a lot about misogynist sexuality during this time. His libido dropped as he became more abusive. His sexuality was not about sex. It was about control. As he lost it, he also lost his erections. What a fucking metaphor for it all.

I hate to say it, but none of this was clear until well after we broke up, and then he raped me.

It all came to a head, and I was finally confronted with the toxicity of misogyny throughout my entire sexual identity. I was so fucking confused. My libido disappeared. My emotional needs couldn’t coexist with my desire for sex. I was confronted with a real problem – a total lack of sexual identity that was replaced with trauma.

When I started writing this I didn’t even intend to get into all of this, but it is so fucking relevant.

I had never before taken the time to acknowledge myself as a woman instead of a sex object, until now. Emotions had no place in sex for me. In fact, sex has successfully served as a tool to keep me from sharing my emotions with other humans when I could instead fuck them.

It is devastating that I am not unique. I am a product of an environment and culture that does not allow women to blossom as unique sexual beings. This is how we are raising our sexual girls. We are conditioning them to become victims of sexual violence instead of having their female sexuality exist and embraced outside of the existence of male desire. Fathers and male authority figures molest the young girls, misogynist society shames and isolates the sexual teenaged young woman, and narcissists seek out and marry the injured grown woman for his own sexual gratification.

What an uphill battle for us. I’m still not there yet, but I’m learning and sharing, because this is a battle we should never have to fight in the first place.

The idea of requiring a mood to be set, music, candles, foreplay had all seemed ridiculous and demanding to me. I am learning that being an empowered sexual woman is not just demanding your right to be sexual, it is demanding your right to be a woman and also be sexual.

It’s all been horrifically scary to pursue. I must, and we all must, focus on turning the sense of vulnerability into empowerment.

As a woman, I demand more. I can choose to engage in kinky, filthy, nasty sex as I tend to desire, but that can coexist with my need to be treated as an emotional and spiritual being. I can even choose to serve men sexually, if it is my desire to be a sex object during sex. But it must be honored and acknowledged as my right to choose and never taken for granted.

I am not required to maintain a status quo. I have a right to change my mind, explore, and experiment.

I am a woman with a right to my sexuality, sensuality, and emotions. I do not exist to be victimized by abusive male sexuality. Anyone else who enjoys these benefits of my sex is simply a guest and I will promise myself to abruptly remove them without an apology if they try to dictate my terms instead of basking in it with me.

I’m still learning every day how to do this for myself. I’m a lover who thoroughly enjoys pleasing my partner, and I’m learning that does not mean to subdue my own natural desires. After all, I have said in the past that the best sex happens when you truly enjoy your primal sensual self. I can be at peace with whatever I need as a feminine being to achieve that.

Tonight I go on a date with my partner. I think afterwards, I’ll make a point to feel sexy, light candles, set  a mood, bask in aromas and incense. I’ll put on some lingerie. He will enjoy it, but it will be intended for me.

Surviving with my Vagina

I wish I could break the stereotype of sex-worker who was sexually abused growing up – but I can’t. You’re right, Tina Fey, you rat-faced bag of dicks.

While faux-feminists of the like try to shame hyper-sexual and sex-working women and put them all in the “daddy issues” box – nothing more than products of the abusive men in their lives. Fuck you Tina Fey. We honestly are awesome fucking people.

I’m understanding more and more why people who have lived through abuse are referred to as “survivors”. It is something that you must live with every day, and every day you continue, you’ve survived. That is quite remarkable.

As a sex worker, often times it is incredibly helpful to gain mastery over what has been taken from you by putting the control into your hands again and providing a sexual experience. This is a concept that has been backed and supported by my long-term therapist, btw. Sex work is real work. Sex work is healthy work. It has helped me greatly.

However, when I have sex for work, I don’t have to be vulnerable. At this stage in my life, sexual vulnerability is hard. I had been previously working through the mountain of childhood trauma at my own pace, working happily and having personal sex happily and freely.  Then my ex boyfriend raped me. I was just as good at blocking those horrible feelings as I had been as a kid. And then I gave birth, and an avalanche of shit came down on me.

So now I’m a bit out of place. It’s been some time since the most recent trauma, but I found the combination of sobriety (due to pregnancy and breastfeeding), the medication-free home birth, and finally coming down off of the whirlwind of hormones, enough to finally see my true form.

For my kids, I became motivated to have a clear mind. I was not expecting to then see exactly how much pain I am in.

Where this leaves me is in a seemingly impossible place. I connect sexually so regularly but in those circumstances, I provide a dream for my client. I love it, and I don’t know where I’d be without my work sometimes. Working does still turn me on.

Outside of that, however, there is a lot os real shit, and there are a lot of tears. If there is a shred of vulnerability at play, there are tears. I miss feeling vulnerable. However now the slightest sense of vulnerability brings an extreme awareness of my body, my vagina and it’s ability to be penetrated, the fact that I have been penetrated without consent, my dryness (inadequacy), my shame, and the range of potential outcomes each sexual situation can bring.

Today I shared a sexual experience over the phone with a good friend. I trust him and as soon as we entered into a space where my trust for him and acknowledgement of my sexuality both resided, I cried. I still let myself be in the moment as much I could and I found it enjoyable although confusing as tears streamed down my face . It was difficult to not be able to hide behind the experience of providing something; to let someone truly see me. If he could see me crying I probably would have burst into sobs of shame immediately.

This even happens with my partner… and no one wants to be the bitch who cries during sex. I do not want sex to make me cry. It is the one thing I have always relied on to connect to people.

I find myself so disconnected from my body. The process that should allow a healthy connection seems to let in so much pain.

This is why I am a survivor. This is why I am (now) a feminist. Every day I need to fight, some harder than others. And I turn to the power of feminism and lean on my feminist sisters (and brothers) so that I will one day no longer have to feel like my vulnerability is a flaw that allowed me to be hurt.

There is no happy ending to this particular post. I’m still stuck. I still hate the tears that flow with the true acknowledgement of my vagina. I want it to be my strength, not my weakness.

 

 

24 Cups Of Coffee

I’m antisocial.

This is a recent realization that I’ve had which was honestly shocking. I never considered myself antisocial because I find myself around people almost constantly. I feel myself regularly wishing I connected with certain people more.

Most of us hustle hard, get wrapped up in our own bullshit and perceptions, and we forget to just live and connect with another person. This is the social structure I was raised on particularly with the uprise of the digital age and social media.

Texts, emails, and even just likes on Facebook have somehow become acceptable form of relationship management in lieu of a phone call, or even something as simple as a cup of coffee.

I’m busy as fuck but I’m human and NEED to connect. We all do. We are depriving ourselves of a need that is essential to our total happiness and well being. We need to learn, feel, and empathize in connections and one-on-one interactions. We can place all fear and judgments at the door and simply share an hour listening and speaking to someone we have interest in connecting with.

So I’m challenging myself. I’m going to hurdle the fear of connection, and leave my antisocial overwhelm at home. I’m going to forget about all the possibilities, what I could be doing, my grocery list. I’m going to ignore work, my phone, my computer. I’m going to listen and stop waiting for my turn to speak.

I’m going to have 24 cups of coffee in 24 days and ask that 24 different people take an hour to connect with me.

I’m going to get my ass out of the house for 24 days in a row, and overcome the anxiety that this culture has instilled in me, and get to know people I care about.

So! How can you help? Just have coffee with me. Or tea, or water. I’ll be having coffee though. Lets meet at a coffee shop of your choice – yours, please. Starbucks or your favorite hipster spot.

Then, tell me about you. Be open. Connect with me. Allow me to connect with you. Or don’t, we could play scrabble. Whatever you’re comfortable with. I really actually just want to have an hour with you. No phones, no social media, no distractions. I’m not always the most present friend – but I’m trying, and I ask that you give me a chance to learn and connect, and give us an hour together.

I think there is so much to learn in just an hour of open connection.

I plan to do this over Mercury Retrograde April 9th – May 3rd. So, please message me so we can have a cup of coffee – if I don’t message you first. I’m going to try my damnest to complete this in this 24-day period and check back in on how I feel. I won’t be sharing any personal details of my coffee date’s lives although maybe we can take a selfie. I will be reporting on my own progress during this experience.

PLEASE do not hesitate to contact me if you want to be involved or just wish me luck 🙂

Why Escorting > Porn Performing: by a Pornstar/Escort

I wrote this article after reaching a boiling point, new in the film industry and faced with the shaming and bashing of escorts that happens so widely in porn. I thought it might be helpful to explain why the concept of porn performers, producers, and agents shaming escorts is absolutely absurd.

Its a wise business choice.

Yes, like most people I want to make money for me, so that my loved ones and I can maintain our quality of life. Hell, I would even argue that the money I take from wealthier men who would otherwise keep it in safe funds for their benefactors is even stimulating the economy as a whole! You’re welcome, world. I will not quit porn, but the time I spend dating is far more valuable than the 8 hours I will spend on set for about an 8th of the pay.

Its arguably safer.

I screen the fuck out of anyone I meet. Wise escorts practice strict screening practices and are also in the business of discretion. Any performer you know, you are aware likely takes more risks than a discreet, married gentleman. Also – condoms. Also – porn fans are often failing to view you as a real person. The chances of a dangerous stalker are far higher than when dealing with gentleman who are just looking for a good match for a few hours or weekend rendezvous.

Condoms

Again, going back to the quality of an individual as opposed to an umbrella over a certain type of work. People who are wise practice safe sex – whether or not for pay. Escort or not, any talent you have worked with could have went and fucked 10 people without a condom in their personal life between tests. I would again argue that escorting could even promote safety in the film industry since any self-respecting performer or escort does not want their career to come to an abrupt end by transmitting a disease.

promoting reasonable safety, not shaming.

Sounds to me like many of these holier-than-thou Porn Stars who bash on girls who escort aren’t really interested in the safety of the industry. If they were really concerned about the money flow in the industry or even the safety within, they would probably do a little research.

What it really comes down to is that people have different ideas and different limits – which is fine – until one is making more money than the other. As with most sex issues in our culture, if we would cut out the shaming, we’d open a door for understanding and promoting real safety. Every performer that ends up being shamed gets farther away from having the support to make safe decisions. Think shaming is going to stop them from escorting? No. In fact, its just increasing your risk.

So lets stop and really think about what benefits the long-term – Pretending we don’t all fuck for money or trying to open up the topic to make it safer for all?

Pornstars Hating Escorts

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Then ironically today, I saw this video where Lisa Ann fumbles over trying to blame escorts for the plummeting revenue potential within the porn industry. Notice how she mentions both the financial struggle within porn, and also escorts, but never connects the dots.

According to Forbes, the numbers of how much the porn industry is worth nowadays are basically impossible to prove. I can promise you this – a separate circuit (the escort industry) is not effecting the value in porn. As Forbes also describes in another article,

“Over the last decade-plus, porn has been hit by forces both within and outside of its control. The global recession, the federal indictments, the debate over condom usage, the internet piracy, changing sexual mores, and the glutted market have all played a part in a downturn for porn.”

With such a vast world of free internet porn along with lower incomes of the consumers, people are much less likely to adhere to brand loyalty in order smash a load out onto the rug under their computer desk nowadays.

Additionally, the lowering pay rates for us porn stars can also be contributed to a way more saturated market. Porn is far more accessible, and a general broadening of people’s ideas of what is sexually acceptable offers a more open door for people to cross that threshold into the adult world.

Escorts making more money on the side is NOT what is fucking up your income, Ms. Ann. The porn industry is not what it used to be 15 years ago. We can thank the internet and lowering morality for that – which is kind of a double-edged sword, eh?

On a final note – a client of mine with whom I was discussing this very topic put it very simply in terms many of us may understand.

We all remember the rapid plummet in record sales in the music industry after the discovery of “music-sharing”. Free music is everywhere and many veteran alternative music groups and artists release their new albums for free nowadays.  What happened then? The market needed to refocus where they can increase revenue to keep these artists performing and happy. So we now see higher ticket prices at live shows. Because while fans may not opt to pay for their at-home enjoyment of the media, they are still going to desire the real experience of the performance.

You can not get all salty at escorts for being really business-savvy. Porn stars turning to the new primary source of revenue is a wise fucking choice. Industries involving media are rapidly changing and those within it need to adapt or die out. And oh, it’s illegal? Well, remember #ourbodiesourchoice against the condom law? Yeah, same concept! Now condoms are technically legally required – do you see anyone obey that law? Perhaps instead of shaming others yet again, we should lobby for escort services to be legal! This also officially debunks the argument that pornstars are not criminals but escorts are.

Imagine the revenue potential if talent agencies can also double as escort agencies. Imagine if big production companies could advertise for a fan to fuck their favorite porn star! And imagine the safety precautions and regulations that can be put in place in order to protect the community. Hmm… lets think about that. Then we wouldn’t have to worry about escorts runnin’ around all willy-nilly bringing risk to the industry!

But the last two points combined are why the music industry lived through the free internet impact – and why porn isn’t… slowly and painfully just is NOT surviving. Jeeze, for an industry of people who chose an against-the-grain profession, we seriously lack progression and openness.

Please stop hating on whores, we are the O.G.’s of this industry. We’re like the proverbial “Mexican” of the American sex industry – we get hate from all sides when we’re really not bothering any of you.

Chew on it for a bit. Even if it isn’t one’s personal choice, they can still promote a healthy environment for others who do make that choice instead of planting their feet and refusing to budge on an era of the industry that was dead many years ago.

Common Misconceptions About Escort Work

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What escorts DON’T typically look like.

Let me just start of this post with a bit of information to preface, because I could go on and on repeating the same concepts and make this list very lengthy.

In the escort business, there is quite a broad spectrum of providers as well as clientele. Sure, there are still street hookers and girls posting on backpage.com for insanely low “donations” while blatantly advertising a sexual acts for money. Sadly, there are women who are exploited and put in danger. And yes, there is a side of the industry that is ridden with drugs, violence, and disease.

However, this is so much less of the industry than mainstream society is lead to believe. Many escorts and “johns” aka “clients” are very respectable people. People who are friendly, responsible, and live fully normal lives. Many people in the industry, both patrons and providers, are people you meet every day.

So, here I will address a few myths based on questions I’m asked or rumors I hear.


1.

You have to sleep with disgusting losers or “old fat guys”.

NO! I am most frequently asked what my clientele is like. Most gentleman I meet are between the ages of 30-55, well groomed, healthy, active, intelligent, and successful. To be honest, someone who can and does prioritize that level of monetary commitment to this type of self-care and indulgence, has to be living a pretty disciplined and successful lifestyle to afford it. They are respectful, fun, and interested in a whole package – not just a perverted fix.

2.

Escorts are being used and exploited by men.

Again, not even remotely. According to some psychological studies, another belief is that the women themselves have a similar delusion, thinking that they are the ones exploiting or using men. Sure, some do. And some men approach it as such as well. But just as you have businessmen who work incessantly because no money is ever enough, or folks in any arena trying to take advantage, that can exist here as well. Many of us are healthy, sane adults doing something we enjoy.

3.

You’ll be stalked, or a relationship will develop – or – escorts are just waiting to lock down a meal ticket.

To refer back to the healthy mindset – part of the benefit of this arrangement is to satisfy a need for both parties. Many women in this industry like to be able to meet new people, be the sexual creatures they are, and keep it simple. The men are just the same. They have their own lives and the boundaries here are clear.

4.

Escorts can’t enjoy what they do and are forced to do this for money.

Quite the contrary! Many women collect incredible ratings on community review sites – and if these gals were THAT good at acting, we’d see them on the big screen. I have never come across a woman in my experience that does not enjoy what she is doing. Most do come for money, yes. However, this turns out to be a rewarding business. I even know of plenty of women who have very successful and sustainable careers outside of this industry and love the supplemented income and providing a sensual experience for another.

5.

Escort work is anti-feminist.

Now, this is always something that can be looked at from a hundred different angles. However, I can tell you that the women in my industry feel sexy and empowered embracing their bodies and breaking the societal norm of what the are expected to do with them. And the men? Hell, they love women! They treat us with incredible respect far more often than not. I’ve gotten mistreated far more frequently in the retail or restaurant industry! Rarely do I feel objectified by a visitor. They come for a quality experience and respect us as businesswomen with great talent.

6.

Escort work is dangerous.

Of course it can be. However, so is online dating. So is closing up the retail store alone on the late shift. So is taking a walk in the late evening. Danger for women is everywhere. However, when we talk about the different levels of the industry we find the same important distinguishing factors. How are we approaching it? Compare it to online dating… Are we looking for something desperately? Will we ignore signs and put ourselves into a dangerous situation? OR are we approaching it mindfully and checking our steps?

I can tell you that I feel far safer opening my door for a visitor than I do walking out my front door each day. The world is full of things we can not expect. With the resources available today, the ability to gather information and screen the people we see, I know exactly what to expect when I open my door.

7.

There is a huge risk of disease.

Part of what brings a high-end client to a responsible provider is the safety. This is our livelihood and our bodies we are dealing with and there is a huge responsibility to keep that in tact along with the safety of our clients.

Healthcare professionals that support sex work recommend testing every three months for escorts, and most providers follow this guideline very strictly. Safe practices are always used, and an industry rule is to reject any clients that may request unprotected activities.

8.

Escorts all have pimps.

As the previous notes above have probably illustrated, this is not the case. Pimps exist in a very different context than the one I have been defending in this article. Pimps are people who take advantage of women in need. Many women in this industry work for themselves and build their own successful businesses. Some work with agencies – most of which are very reputable.

It is my personal preference to do all of my own booking, and most escorts do the same. The more hands involved – the more complicated.

9.

Escort work is the same as human trafficking. Giving prostitutes legal rights enables human trafficking.

WRONG WRONG WRONG. Escorts deserve rights to their own profession and rights to their own bodies. People who are being trafficked already do not have those rights. Its shameful the way media combines the two, especially considering they are two very different laws. Prostitution is a misdemeanor. Human trafficking is a serious felony. There is a huge gap between a woman who is sane, mentally capable of making her own decisions, and free to do as she wishes and someone who has been imprisoned by another to do things against their will in order to survive.

Human trafficking takes many forms. It can be in the drug trade, sex trade, or even many others where people who are in weakened positions are forced into work to benefit another – either to survive, stay in the country, or avoid violence.

It’s incredibly important to distinguish between the two. It’s ideas such as these that prevent escorts from having the same rights such as being able to accurately report their income or health insurance. Even worse, it’s this idealization that actually creates the negatives associated with the industry such as pimps, drugs, etc. When these women are not provided the proper education or responsible resources to do their work in a healthy manner, and when there are not laws to regulate the safety of the industry, where else do they turn if they don’t know how?


Prostitutes have always been and will always be in demand. Clients will want them, and women who chose to put their sexuality to work will always want to provide. The more understanding we can provide, the safer our prostitutes, clients, and their families will be.

If you’re interested in learning more, please do a quick search for sex worker’s rights and you will find that there is a huge portion of our world working for this safety. You may be surprised at the insight you find.