Our apartment is beautiful this morning. I slept in heavily and woke up to dark skies and heavy rain. I’m sitting with all of the windows open and the 2nd floor apartment feels arboreal surrounded by the big old tree tops and I can listen closely to the rain hitting their leaves. It’s amazing how the weather so strongly dictates the mood of the day.
I was planning on getting to work and running errands today. Instead I find myself feeling broody and nostalgic, but in a very satisfying way. I feel fear creep up knowing we are about to turn our lives upside down.
For a family who’s life has been involuntarily turned upside down over the last few years, it’s especially challenging to imagine breaking the stability we’ve recently developed and embark on yet another chaotic journey. This time it is our choice though. We want to start over and reset.
We plan to go on a massive road trip in just over a month. We have a guideline of a couple months to a full year, to just spend hopping around, shaking our past, bonding with our children, and then eventually hunt for our new home out west. We’ve been dreaming of this for a couple of years now. After battling divorces and exes and toxic family, and ridding ourselves of the consequence of past poor choices, we want to just start fresh.
The time is coming very soon. I feel a little scared and not ready, but will I ever be? It’s terrifying to pare down our belongings and let go of material attachments. It’s terrifying to think of this whole plan going horribly wrong and backfiring, leaving us without the comfort of years of familiarity. It’s terrifying to let go of the cycle of trauma, stagnation, and abuse that this city and life has fostered for us.
If my recent freebirth taught me anything, it was that fear is a fucking liar. Fear kept me from trusting my body in the past. Fear kept us each in awful abusive relationships. Fear has kept us in this city that just holds far too much trauma and danger for us to truly live in peace.
As carloads of residual memories make their way to the Salvation Army nearby, I analyze what items are truly of value to me and worth holding onto, both literally and within my mind. I feel this scary freedom approaching, and I am collecting all of my faith to tackle this anxiety and fear. I’m hesitant but ready, and I think this year is going to be the best yet. I think we will finally feel free.