We Don’t Want These Men: On wives against sex-workers.

As a sex worker, I want all women to be free to do as they choose without being harmed by men. I can’t say this is true for all sex workers, but for me it is.

Recently, a long-time client of mine got “busted” by his wife. After years of tending to his needs for kinky sex on his leisure time away from home, his dual-reality crashed abruptly after pocket-dialing his wife and her listening in for 5 hours of a hooker excursion. Of course, selfishly, the first thing I thought was “damn, that is a good portion of my income.”

I never wanted bad for his wife, or the wives of any of my clients. Sometimes I know they exist, sometimes I don’t. Often times the clients I keep are really doing what they can to avoid divorce. They love their wives and family but perhaps promised too much, or committed too early, or they just grew apart sexually. These men do not intend to cheat. They see a professional for the sole purpose of maintaining their sacred emotional bond with their wife and not sharing true intimacy and love with another woman.

I’m not saying I condone the method, but often seeing a hooker is seriously their best chance at saving their marriage.

As the sex worker providing the service, my income and feeding my kids always comes first. I feared I may lose my client before anything. But then secondly as his long time friend, I advised him in different ways to be fair to his wife now that he’s experiencing the heartbreaking consequences of omitting very important information over the years.

I am not to blame for his choices. I have never knowingly enabled him, I’ve simply tried to make a buck in the best way I can.

I see that some sex workers use catty tactics to directly enable and fetishize a man cheating on his wife. Or they claim that civilian women are simply sexually inadequate or “failing” in some way. I do not condone this type of pure misogyny. That is not something I will do for a dollar and if you do, shame on you because one day when you’ve had enough of this business and maybe even sex in general, it could be your man. How awful would it be for someone to try to hold you accountable for your shithead husband’s awful decisions to hurt you?

In the same regard, how dare any wives hold sex workers accountable for their shithead husband’s awful decisions? Do civilian women expect me to tell my kids they can’t have something because I wanted to do my part in saving her shitty marriage? Am I expected to investigate each man that walks in my door to make sure no women are being harmed in the production of this blowjob? All I can do is make sure that as a sex worker and feminist, is that I am not persecuted for my right to take advantage of the male species’ desire for easy emotionless sex.

Do not blame me. Sister, if I could defend you I would. I would take you away from that man, show you the way of the heaux, and help you make sure you never had to rely on and trust one singular lying sack of shit for the rest of your life. But that is not your path. You have your path, I have mine. As women, we each deserve that choice.

Sex workers rarely know details of the personal lives of their clients. Rare is it that it is any of our business nor is that information divulged. As a reasonably privileged sex worker, I get the luxury of spending hours with my clients getting to know them – and still often don’t know about their personal lives. I guarantee the gals busting their asses on quick 15-minute clients are just as disinterested in stealing your cheap-ass husband They just want to eat and didn’t have the luxury of marrying a rich dude to put food on the table let alone entering a different field of work.

Even as privileged as some of us are, being perfectly capable of different professions, we are not fucking out to get you, civilian women. We just want your man’s money. We wouldn’t take them if we could. We have chosen our paths where very little trust of men is involved. You’ve chosen yours. You’ve chosen to marry these men. You call us enablers, but you give these men safe spaces, homes, children, and comfort to come home to. Who is the enabler, my dear? Do you think hookers are not disposable to your man? Do you not understand that your man would literally throw us under a bus if it meant protecting you?

We don’t want these fucking men.

From my view, these are your men, these are your dysfunctional relationships. I have literally nothing to do with them. I am simply an object in this equation and I seriously don’t mind. I prefer to keep my interaction with men simple like that.  I do not have interest in the toxic monogamy culture and expectations your relationship breeds. I also do not have interest in persecuting you for the ripple effect of your choices as they pertain to me, because you are free to choose your path, sister.

Blaming the women who are providing a service is inherently anti-woman. You are expecting us to control the actions of the shitty men you choose to wife up with – and at the expense of feeding our families. You expected monogamy, you asked for those promises. We can’t be held accountable for keeping those intact.

I guarantee that more often than not, your man believes he is doing you a favor. He is trying to not hound you for sex. He is not at all interested in having an affair. He probably has a hard time communicating what he needs or he simply can no longer get it with you but he STILL loves the shit out of you.

I don’t encourage cheating, but I wont take responsibility for it either. I choose to adapt and have an open relationship. I choose to listen to may partner and communicate freely. I choose to manage my expectations and be flexible so that if my man did need something else, we’d work around it. You, civilian women, deserve the same. You don’t deserve to be cheated on even if your man says you’re “not enough”.

But don’t you dare try to blame other women – sex worker or not. Free yourself and open your mind instead. If you choose my path I can help you. If you keep on yours I can only do my best to get by myself.

5 thoughts on “We Don’t Want These Men: On wives against sex-workers.

  1. I get it… but didn’t your current recent ex-fiance leave his wife for you after seeing you as his hooker? Didn’t your previous husband leave his wife and children for you in a similar way? You can’t say you aren’t trying to steal husbands when you are literally stealing husbands. And now you’re on to the next. No disrespect, although I’m sure you’ll take it that way, but own up to what you actually do.

    1. Well, referring to the two times I have shacked up with someone I have met from work over a ten-year career as “what I do” and then saying I’m “on to the next” is highly disrespectful. “What I do” is provide a service. What has happened during the length of my career is once when I was 20, yes, a man 21-years my senior got kicked out by his wife and asked to move in with me. I was flattered and young and agreed and then commenced the most miserable 5 years of my life. My current partner, whom yes I am not currently engaged to – but working on things (not “on to the next”) was married when we first met. I saw him professionally twice with zero involvement in his personal life. Later, after he left his wife for a number of reasons not including me, we started becoming friends and dating. I had literally nothing to do with their separation. His pursuit of a sex worker, after never touching another woman for 11 years, made him realize that his marriage was no longer salvageable. So, as much as you may assume in these cases, the fact is that I still have no interest in “stealing husbands”. IN the first case I was young and got sucked into a horrible mess that was far out of my league to deal. My self esteem was so low, I was swept away with flattery that this man who was seemingly successful and wise was interested in me. In the 2nd case I had no idea whatsoever until after it happened and he happened to handle the sensitive situation in the most ideal way possible. And whoever you are, apparently knowing so much of my dating history, it would be proper for you to include the several men I have dated that I have not met through work. There is a huge market of men available and for sex workers, the last place we care to look is within our clients. Not only is it insanely complicated, but a horrible business decision. So no, it is not “what we do”. “What we do” is to provide an hourly service and ideally never hear from that man outside of that time.

    2. Furthermore, as a feminist, I hold men and women alike accountable for the decisions THEY make. A sexworker can not force a man to leave his family. Sex workers hold very little saying power in a man’s life, even if we wanted to. To hold a sex worker accountable for “stealing a husband” (objectification of a human being capable of making their own decisions) is absolutely ridiculous. The key words is they “left their wives”. I have no ability to “steal a husband”. That is reminiscent of saying if I didn’t want to get raped I “shouldn’t have worn a short dress”. I am not to be held accountable for a man’s decisions simply because I sold him something.

  2. I’ve been aware of the man “being caught” twice. The first instance was a year and a half ago, the women called me, as one of a number of other women whose phone numbers she had run across in his history. They were about to be married. I liked and told her that we only spoke and he’d backed out (which almost happened.) She said that was his claim, and what it appeared to be from what texts she had seen. I didn’t think I needed to ruin a relationship based on a last minute bachelor meandering.

    The second instance is ongoing, an older woman who has been stalking my ads and blocking her number and leaving me nasty voicemail messages for over eight months. I felt a little bad early on, but as she’s spoken with my bf and not bothered to reveal who her husband is so that I can stop seeing him- supposedly what she initially wanted, and instead just been rude, threatening, blaming me, and obsessed, she’s wrung the pity and caring completely out of me. There are so many blogs & articles I could send, things I could say, but she hasn’t left any contact information. Clearly, she just wants to bitch at me. So all I can do is delete her messages.

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