My partner and I have discussed several times about how we each had previous partners who would not “allow” us to masturbate freely. I know we aren’t the only ones. Very frequently in pop culture, the wife or girlfriend will forbid a man from enjoying himself by watching pornography and pleasuring himself. Of course the woman’s sexual enjoyment of herself is not a factor in these scenarios – duh.
When I was in a previous relationship, my partner would literally get jealous if my vibrator had appeared to have been used. I couldn’t wrap my head around it. Yet at the same time if I turned down sex he would spend hours and hours masturbating the night away in front of porn that would even make me cringe. Yet, I couldn’t spend 5 minutes blasting my clit with the hitachi. And that’s really all I got because masturbation was not “allowed” because how dare I enjoy sexual pleasure that did not involve him? Inevitably this resulted in me cracking under the pressure, childishly acting out, and fuck other guys in front of him while making him watch..
Same with my partner. His ex forbade him from watching porn and demanded he not masturbate whatsoever. She considered it comparable to cheating. He was only allowed to feel sexual pleasure when it provided something for her ego or validated her. And, ultimately he would just spend hours masturbating in his shop pretending to get work done.
People need to fap.
I’m curious how many others experience this. As a society somehow we are trained to believe that one person is supposed to be our everything. Not only is this an impossibly tall order for that person, but it is a concept that takes away any room for growth or self-discovery.
Masturbation is important. It is self-love. It is self-care. Taking that away from someone is abuse.
I don’t say that word to make anyone feel bad. I use the word “abuse” because that is what it is! Trying to limit or control someone in order to soothe your own insecurities is abusive behavior. I have been guilty of it plenty! It requires acknowledgement of the behavior and a conscious decision to change. I decided I am not going to be jealous, so I am not jealous – most of the time. And when I am, I manage it because it is MY feeling.
I encourage you to take a second look at your “rules” for your relationships and ask “does my rule limit my partner’s well-being?” And on the other end, I encourage you to not accommodate this request in any circumstance. It is unrealistic and unmanageable and toxic. Setting a hard limit can be a great way to open a dialogue – but stand firm! If masturbation is a priority to you, make it non-negotiable. If your partner is good for you, they will listen to why.
Now keep in mind that this is situational not an overall rule. Works if we are talking about masturbation (has literally no harm on anyone). Does not apply to an addiction to Korean rub-n-tugs or drunken late-night bathroom sex (these things do effect your partner). Everything in moderation, but everyone does deserve some margin of sexual exploration.
Instead, talk with each other about the IMPORTANCE of masturbation. And no, not mutual masturbation. You need that time for yourself, to explore your own body, and feel your own pleasure without entertaining another individual. It can only help you come together as individuals knowing more about what you want to feel so you can have great sex as a couple.
In my house, we say we are gonna go take some time to ourselves and would like privacy. It is as simple as that. It does not threaten anyone or take away from our sexual relationship. In fact, it provides additional security that we are looking out for each other in that way.
Please consider what I say and lets all give each other some fap room, k? Share your methods of handling relationships/family and masturbation in the comments.